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Motherhood, an unexpected journey!





I have always known as a child that I wanted to be a mother. I was a great babysitter

and thought “I could do this mother thing” Ha Ha. Although I had no idea what

motherhood entailed, I learned very quickly what being an aunt was all about. The role

was important in the life of a child because the bond you were to forge with them would

be lifelong.


As time went on and I went into my teenage and young adult years, motherhood did not

seem to be as important and seemed so far away. The freedom I was growing into

became more of a curiosity as to what life could unfold. I started to grow into going

where I wanted to go and doing what I wanted to do with no oversight or outside

responsibilities. In my college years, freedom was great, but finances were limited.

There was no thought of motherhood and the thought process of motherhood being

easy was no longer there. I was more worried about how to take care of myself with this

new upcoming college degree.


Lo and behold I found out one month before college graduation that I was pregnant.

My first and only worry was about how I would tell my parents that my life was changing

before it even started. No matter how adult I felt, I did not want to disappoint them.

Once my parents were supportive, you would have thought that I got exactly what I

wanted all my life. What I got was fear, anxiety, doubt, frustration, and disappointment in

myself for messing up the plan I had for myself after college. I now had to realize children

need more than hugs and kisses. They need health insurance, food, clothing,

and all your time among other things. During my third month of pregnancy, I thought I

had no bond with this person that I never met. However, when the doctor told me that I

was bleeding and had to be placed on bed rest or I would lose this child, she became all

that I worried about. This was the day I started changing who I was spiritually,

emotionally, and mentally. My entire focus on life was changing but I still didn’t know

what this new life would feel like.


The pregnancy still ended up being great and the free time at home was eye-opening

for me. I had to apply for and obtain Medicaid, Food stamps, and WIC due to being

unemployed. At this time, she was all that mattered to me. As my due date approached,

I felt the love and support of my family with all the gifts and supplies they provided for

me, and this new edition was soon to come.

The childbirth was scary because it was my first experience and I realized that this

process was unique to every woman. My Obstetrician delivered my little brother, so he

had all my trust. He was super calm, and this made me somewhat calm, but this did not

take away my fear of needles and hospitals. The childbirth classes also helped me to

understand what was going on around me. The feeling of being prepared with

baby things at home and knowledge of labor lingo as well as an experienced doctor

went out the window when they placed her on my chest.


Suddenly it became real. She looked up at me, no big cries, and all of a sudden I

wanted to be the best me for her. She was all that mattered in the world. All the plans I

made and thought of for the last six months were out the window and did not seem to

be good enough for her. She deserved it all, the best mother, friend, supporter, and

provider. She deserved all the happiness I could give her. I then wanted to shield her

and hold her from all harm or hurt, physically or emotionally. I just wanted to make sure

that she saw herself the way I saw her at that moment, as beautiful and worthy. She

was PERFECT.


We came home at night on a cool evening, and I was pissed that medical staff would

release her in that type of weather. This made me stop and think how I was more

worried about this little person than I was about myself. I woke up in the middle of the night

to make sure she was breathing. I wanted to tell her and show her that she was loved

every moment I could. The last thing I was worried about was if her clothing was name-brand or if her hair was perfect at every moment. I always saw beauty, even when she

was flipping in her white dress across the football field. She was my beauty and my

blessing, even at that moment.


I found that I no longer felt that going out or having free time was important. I could not

wait to get home from work to see her and explore what new things she achieved that

day. I wanted to be present for all of her “first.” I loved the way she lit up when she saw

her Papa. She formed bonds with her family because she was calm and happy all the time.

This experience made me question whether my heart was big enough to love another

child in the same way. It made me question how I could give the same energy to another

child and not cheat my first love.


Seven years later I found out after having my third daughter that I have enough love,

time, and energy for my girls. We were a package and with all the different personalities

the house was never boring.


Motherhood has not been perfect and although I had my mother along the way for

support and guidance, I would not trade it for the world. If I had a choice to do it over

again, I would not change a thing and I realized through every second of everything,

she was worth it. Was the journey exactly what I planned for or thought it would be?

Not. Even today, motherhood is different every day and takes so many turns.

It changes over time and sometimes every moment. The journey continues and I am

enjoying the flight.


From your mom,

Jay Boutin

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